Happy Galantines Day! I’ve been stuck waiting on my smart car to be fixed and hopefully will make it to work on time. Every Monday and Wednesday this month love is the theme of discussion.
In the past, I’ve written two to three blogs about my childhood and how that’s shaped my treatment towards men. It was after these series of events in 2017 did it dawn on me that my struggles with keeping positive male relations in my life correlate with my stagnate relation to my distant father. The person I’m going to be discussing today is someone I haven’t talked to in person since December 2017. I’ve been debating internally on if I should send another message but I don’t think I’ll need to. I realized that I was the toxic friend and that’s exactly what my dad instilled in me. Reversing this takes time and I’m still working on it.
Let’s dive into lessons learned.
Last week I mentioned living an open-yet-private lifestyle. Now since it’s been a year, I’m a bit more comfortable with sharing this story and part of the analysis I’ve done thus far. Because I want to protect some people’s privacy, I’m changing a few minor parts of the story (names, locations, etc). Most of this will be a post looking at my own actions and lessons. In the timeline below, you’ll notice that my critical self will place most of the blame on me first. That’s how I see this story as well even if the wounds are relatively fresh.
“Dave” and I worked together and he’s probably still at the same job. I had started in March and then began building a comrade-like friendships in April till it stopped in the beginning of November. During 2017, I was living in my “own space” and then a relative abruptly moved in and changed the dynamics. Most of that summer I tried to escape and repress my situation by going to events with co-workers while not giving any thought to my situation. It was all going okay until I didn’t go into work for weeks in July and took a trip home to Texas in August.
When I returned, my professional tenor trombone, music, instrument supplies and all was sold by said relative to a local school. That relative managed to sneak their way around bringing me back my things by spending half the money on getting me a mover… toxicity is in my family and it spewed out to how I treat others.
It wasn’t until December 2017 when I was in my own apartment that I noticed just how toxic 2017 had truly been. Most of my emotional reactions were because of my living situation, new meds and a whole slew of other things. This led to my termination in August.
Trust issues are still my number one issue and it didn’t help with the trombone being stolen. The reason the relative took my things was to motivate me to get out on my own. When they did that, I had no job. It took me several months to find money and a job to start being on my own and out of everyone’s way. They were also trying to get me out of the house because it was for sale and they are currently traveling til they desire to return.
March 2017: new job, no friends. I had just recently moved to the city after a failed internship in Texas. I was residing on my own in a relatives house since that person was working elsewhere. On my third day of the job, I had an anxiety attack that sent me to the ER.
April 2017: I started to build friendships. Relative moves back into their house and the dynamics of my personality began to shift.
May 2017: Given new medications to take for anxiety and depression.
June 2017: Threw a birthday party in my relatives house. It was fun but maybe that wasn’t the best idea.
July 2017: I began taking out my mental health issues by missing work, dragging Dave through my own personal mud,
August 2017: Termination leading to a week-long trip to Texas. Trombone stolen and more trust issues emerge.
September: Was not prepared for this month at all. Went through several days of just utilizing too much on someone else to take care of me. Drug Dave through late nights, hospital trips, etc, etc etc. I still feel regret with that whole week and even some unknown emotions I can’t recognize.
October: Small silver lining after September ended. Relapsed near again and it led me to learn that I truly needed to live on my own.
November: Found a secure job that lasted until September 2018. Prepared to move out.
December: Finally on my own, this was the last time I saw Dave (at a holiday party). It was awkward and I wanted to apologize for the toxicity. It wasn’t self-love that was making me depressed, it was situational depression (a difference that I’d like to blog about this year).
The wound is still fresh. I’m sounding harsh on myself while I work through coping with stress but a lot of 2017 was my fault. I had found a niche in my own negative thinking and took it out on others. I found a way to stay in these negative patterns and dig deeper holes. I’m still working my way out of a few of them.
The positive side of losing a friendship that went south, is this reflection process. I don’t think an apology would work if I got to see Dave again. At any rate, I know that he doesn’t want to be around the negative Danielle that managed to destroy another person’s energy.
For me, that’s why I haven’t messaged him since June 2018. A few times, I’ve messaged him but have had no responses or even a small glimpse of a reconnection. A lot of what happened in July-November gives me nightmares and anxiety attacks. I can’t go back to that state of mind (note: I’ve continuously done so in the past and have to trick myself that it won’t infiltrate the present or future). This post will most likely be the most negative harsh one out of this entire series.
Some have asked me why do I have to write about this. I don’t have to, I want to. As someone who has been blogging for five years now, writing out random emotions helps me connect with others and helps me process my own emotions. I’ve journaled through these emotions a few times a year to help me take a look at the damage I’ve done to another person.
I’ve gone back through and read old posts a few times a year. The posts I made in September 2017 hinted that something was wrong but. Never hinted at what exactly was going on. I still shield my own hurt through rose tinted glasses.
Was this feature to raw writing about feelings, or just right? Let me know in the comments below. You can always follow me here on WordPress for future blog posts and content. Check back here Friday for the next photo feature!