These words are going towards my National Novel Writing Month word count goal. Luckily, these word will help me get over the 50K line. More about how I won next month!
Earlier this year, I wrote a blog about being depressed around the winter season (read it here for reflection, if you’d like). While skimming through it, I found that somethings have changed, and others have not. The next blog that will be posted about, will be about playing the waiting game and embracing change.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day. I called my family in Texas, and wished then a happy Thanksgiving; food, family, and love (and NFL game day). I was invited to go visit family here in Oklahoma, but I wasn’t ready to show my depression and anxiety to my family.
And before my Grandmother left to see family, I texted her to tell everyone that I was doing fine, and for her to update them on my life. New apartment, new job, and medical exams (aka stress for all of these).
And as much as I love my family, I am glad I didn’t go. For the past few months, I have been under a lot of anxiety, because there’s this change that’s going on that I am having to begin to embrace. Over the past three years, I have felt that going to family holiday events, for sure Thanksgiving Day more than Christmas, has brought on anxiety. Over conversations that never happen, because they only happen in my mind.
Right now, I am in this loop of not being in College over the past two years, my Trombone being stolen, and feeling like I have no purpose in life. When family members, whom I haven’t seen in over two years, ask questions about how my life is going, its hard to answer just that basic question. Will they judge me for the fact that I haven’t graduated College, I still am a Vegetarian, and I have all these health issues that has been hindering me from progress?
And while those conversations have happened in the past, its taken me time to appreciate family being concerned. I’ve always lived a lone wolf lifestyle, learning to fend for myself and no one else. That lifestyle has its perks, but the downfall, for me, is relating and interacting with family. I established this lifestyle because of the abuse I lived through in my childhood. It’s honestly all I’ve ever known.
I’ve always wondered how small and large families deal with the pressure of cooking for the holidays. Personally, my cooking skills aren’t the best, and I know that with time I’ll get better at cooking. Speaking of food, me and my sister are the only Vegetarian’s in the family. We both cringe when we see turkey on the table, because of how we feel about being around meat during our meal times. We both get chastised about what we should eat, and lots of questions on “hey, so why did you stop eating meat?” Personal decisions both me and my younger sister have made become questioned.
So what did I do yesterday, “celebrating” Thanksgiving Day alone? I took the day off from worrying about the change that’s on its way. It was a simple, mental health day for me. I took the time to play video games, read, and watch lots of TV via Netflix. Over the past two years, I haven’t been wanting to watch the Macy’s Day parade like I use to when I was a child. Usually the Macy’s Day parade starts when I’m asleep, so then I don’t watch.
When my Grandmother, returned, she brought leftovers from the family event. I am grateful for my Grandmother bringing me leftovers, the food was cooked quite well from my family.
My depression and anxiety is the highest during the fall season (September-November) and sometimes it flares up during the winter season (December-March). I have begun to dislike the holidays, because my anxiety and depression is at its highest; making the holidays difficult to celebrate. Mentally, I am better now than where I was say two years ago or even five.
Small, progressive steps forward, makes everything possible. If you have any struggles with the holidays, just know that its going to be okay in the end. Be grateful, every day, about the friends and family in your life. If you have a family who understands the affect of mental health, be still and grateful about their appreciation and concern.
Every year, I send family holiday cards. Hand written, holiday thank you notes that explains what’s going on in my life, and small updates. I always enjoy pen-paling, and writing. This is my contribution to their love. I never really get to send family members gifts for the holidays, and they are okay with that. Just a simple thank you can go a long way.
And speaking of thank you, I always sign-off my blogs with a thank you to those who are reading my blog for the first time, and for those who have been following me since I’ve started blogging. Writing makes the impossible eventually possible. I have found out who I am through blogging, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
How do you handle the holidays? Always feel free to comment, like, and share this post. I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday season this year. If you would like to keep up with me on Twitter (my most active social media platform) feel free to follow me here @DanielleSully19.